Who will win the cricket world cup 2011?

This article first appeared on mylaw.net


Every time a world cup comes around, the business of predicting the eventual champions keeps aficionados busy for several weeks. Other than cricket itself (which is always the winner in the end, if Shri.R.Shastri is to be believed), it’s next to impossible to predict the winner of a tournament of this nature. But, never being ones to shy away from a challenge, we shall take the plunge and try, trough the process of cold, hard analysis, dispassionately judge each team’s chances at glorious victory and spectacular failure.

INDIA

Why they will win

Everyone knows that India is the strongest team on paper, right? (Let’s disregard the many times in the past when we’ve bungled despite being the strongest team on paper, and also the fact that the one time we did win the cup, we weren’t.) So we’re a cinch to win.

Also, if you go by the Indian media’s build up, India is the ONLY team playing the tournament. So our victory is a foregone conclusion.

Why they won’t

Thanks to the basic cynicism of the Indian cricket sceptic – who firmly believes that the current Indian side will falter, thanks to the weaknesses and mental fragility shown by Mohammed Azharuddin’s team from the 90s. This is like expecting Roger Federer to lose against Rafael Nadal because Stefan Edberg had a weak serve, but try telling that to the Indian fan.

AUSTRALIA

Why they will win

In a similar vein to the previous point, everybody thinks this Australian side will win the world cup because Steve Waugh’s team was impossible to beat. Also, Australians will remind you that they’re ranked No.1 – which means they’re the best side.  Australians always believe that any team ranked No.1 must be the best side, except when India is ranked No.1 in tests, in which case the ranking is meaningless, and Australia or South Africa is the best side.

Why they won’t

Because their best spinner is Jason Krejza.

PAKISTAN

Why they will win

Because they’re a bunch of talented, batshit loonies you wouldn’t dare bet against. And they’re led by Shahid Afridi, the craziest cricket renegade this side of Chris Gayle. This team is the Marat Safin of international cricket.

Why they won’t

Like we said, Pakistan is the Marat Safin of international cricket.

ENGLAND

Why they will win

They won’t.

Why they won’t.

See above.

SOUTH AFRICA

Why they will win

They’ve got a great batting line-up (Kallis, Amla, DeVilliers), a formidable bowling attack (Steyn, Morkel), and are a superb fielding unit. Plus, there’s no Hansie Cronje around to ensure that all this doesn’t count.

Why they won’t

Rhymes with joke. Or poke. Or artichoke.

SRI LANKA

Why they will win

Sri Lanka has the home advantage, they’ve got a team that comprises Sangakkara, Jayawardene, Dilshan, Muralitharan, Mendis, Mathews and Malinga, and that crazy little guy who waves their flag in the stands so hard, even Ishant Sharma can get reverse swing.

Why they won’t

Because the portzlefoobie won’t suit the griddilinx in time for the flutibis. That’s the best reason we could think of.

NEW ZEALAND

Why they will win

Because the law of averages says that, after 1983, it’s the turn of another fairly useless team with a great captain to win the cup. Nobody fits that description better than New Zealand.

Why they won’t

Because the law of averages says that it’s time for the law of averages to fail.

BANGLADESH

Why they will win

Who doesn’t love a talented host side, who nobody takes seriously, to charge to a fairytale win? This could be Sri Lanka in 96 all over again. With players like Tamim Iqbal, Shakib Al Hasan and Abdur Razzak, the Bangla Tigers have their best shot at glory this year. Plus, their best spinner isn’t Jason Krejza.

Why they won’t

The human chain formed to protest the omission of Mashrafe Mortaza may prevent the team bus from reaching the ground, causing them to forfeit the matches.

WEST INDIES

Why they will win

Chris Gayle is one bad mutha.

Why they won’t

Chris Gayle is their only bad mutha. Also, while in the past they’ve been led by guys with badass names like Frank Worrell, Clive Lloyd and Vivian Richards, their skipper this time is Darren Sammy – whose name sounds less like a Caribbean captain and more like Dora The Explorer’s less-macho sidekick.

ZIMBABWE AND KENYA

Why they will win

See 'England'.

Why they won't

See above.

CANADA, IRELAND AND THE NETHERLANDS

Why they will win

Because between them, these three countries command the powers of maple syrup, whisky and legal Marijuana. Nothing can be more awesome than that – except Chris Gayle.

Why they won’t

Due to the distractions provided by maple syrup, whisky and legal marijuana, they may forget to attend net practice, and possibly the games themselves.

The Kalmadi - Hooper Papers

By Anand Ramachandran. Some of you will recognize the inspiration for the title, some of you won't. That's fine, right?

The Suresh Kalmadi - Mike Hooper spat has degenerated into 'beyond ridiculous'. Kalmadi has always been a great source of entertainment over the years (anyone remember the Afro-Asian games, and the speech he gave there?), but this time, he's got some competition from one of his colleagues, A.K.Kesri. Here's a scan of a letter Mr.Kesri wrote to the chairman of the OCCWG, from today's INdian Express. (Thanks to @abithaanandh for the keen spot. She has an eye for this kind of thing, she's the one who discovered Hungama for us.) Do click on the image for a full-size version. Trust me, it's worth it.




Among my favourite parts are "fortunately I escaped from damage to my spectacles" and "always whistling during his movements in the office building", but you will surely find many others to your tastes. Stunning stuff.

Actually, the whole affair seems to be an adult version of a 'Miss! He's taking my pencil box, miss!' type of incident so commonly experienced during the primary school years. To be fair to Hooper, however, I must admit that it is Senor Kalmadi, Herr Bhanot and others who are leading the childishness sweepstakes at the moment.

The reasons given by Mr.Kalmadi calling for Hooper's ouster have been, in a nutshell, that Hooper has been of no use, he has been rude to OC personnel, demoralizing them with negative feedback and that he has been an impediment to work on the games.

This can be roughly reworded as follows :

"Miss! He's useless boy miss!"

"Miss! He's talking bad of me and using bad words, miss."

"Miss! he's not letting me do my work, miss."

But since the gentlemen, and I use the term very loosely, who are involved in this unsightly brouhaha are only corresponding through letters and press-releases, I think it would perhaps be more appropriate to look at the issue from that POV.

My dear Mr.Hooper,,

You are useless. You are spoiling my birthday party. So please leave our school. Go back to your old school.

Sincerely,

Suresh Kalmadi.

Mr.Kalmadi,

I'm not useless. You're only useless. You always make things very late. Your party will be late and boring.

Yours,

Mike Hooper




Hooper,

Shut up. You always tell bad things to my friends and use bad language. You're a bad boy. I tell to principal.

Suresh




Su-su boy,

You shut up. Principal is my uncle, so you can't do anything. I'll tell him you're stupid and you're always late for everything everytime.

Fuck off.

Mike




Hooper,

Hooper, mein su-su karoonga thumhare sar ke ooper.

Kalmadi.

And so on. I think all of them should be sent to detention, and the party cancelled.

World Cup#27 - Sehwag's Brother

You may have heard of Sehwag ki Maa, but have you heard of Sehwag ka Bhai? Here.



Heh. What more can you ask for?

You guys think so, too?

World Cup #26 - Bad Ad Watch

Our next nominee - a true beauty.

The moronic, so-wannabe-that-it's-beyond-pathetic, but mercifully short advert for the LG X-note computer.

An ugly white guy looks at a talking picture of a woman on his laptop. He touches the screen, and it's suddenly another woman in a hotter dress (or the same woman who changes into . . you know what? who cares?). He swivels the monitor around. Gets up to leave. Suddenly, some unrelated guy in a S.W.A.T. team outfit falls off the window ledge.  The ugly white guy pauses, says "Right now, Life's Goooooooooood.", while somehow managing to contort his lips in a disquietingly unattractive manner, and exits stage.

My brain hurts. WHAT? WHAAAAAAAT?

If you're part of the team that delivered this putrid sewage-pail to an unsuspecting audience, please do us a favour and change jobs.

World Cup #25 - Sanath. A full house. And more Sanath.

Sat down to watch my first Super 8 game in full. A full house at last. The possibility of a true cracker.

But guess what? Sri Lanka hammers an abject West Indies side. Bo-ring.

However, there was the unusual treat of listening to Rameez Raja repeatedly refer to Sanath Jayasuriya as 'Sanath'. 'That's a great shot by Sanath'. 'Sanath is running extremely well between the wickets'. 'I've always been a a big fan of Sanath'.  It's not like this is his natural style - he didn't show the same easy familiarity when talking about any of the other players. Weird guy. And he looks like Asad Rauf.

'Sanath', of course, provided the major part of the evening's entertainment by taking his time to settle, and then gleefully tonking the West Indian bowlers wherever he mighty well pleased. A peach of a century from a cricketer of much might and fearsomeness.

**************************************************************

It's now safe to say that there would probably have been no point in India making the Super 8s anyway. We'd have beaten Ireland (yeah, yeah, I know. Probably have beaten.), and might have had a fair chance against the West Indies. We'd have been soundly trashed by all the other teams. They're better prepared, fitter, smarter - and playing an altogether better brand of cricket. We're not in this league, I am truly saddened to concede.

**************************************************************

I've decided to watch as many of the upcoming heavyweight matches. Some teams are playing delicious cricket, and I get the feeling we haven't seen the best of the World Cup yet.  More power to Lasith Malinga. To Scott Styris. To Paul Collingwood. To 'Sanath'. To Ricky Pont . . no, wait . . .

Goodbye, Anil. Thank you. Really.

Amidst all the frustration and sadness, let's stop a minute to say goodbye to a man named Anil Kumble.

A man who, through it all, remained one of the most dignified, committed and skilled cricketers to play for the Indian ODI team. Ever. Much has been said about Kumble the cricketer. Like here. And here.

A man who never lost his cool, never argued a bad decision, never blamed bad performances on this or that, never once set a bad example on the field or off it. A man whose name was never dragged through the mud. In present-day Indian cricket, that makes him the rarest of the rare.

A man who enriched our game simply by being a part of it.

Thankfully, he'll still play tests. He won't forever. Celebrate him while he's still here.

Those things under Chanderpaul's eyes.

Finally. Here's the answer.

Apparently, he uses them to cut out glare, since he doesn't like sunglasses.

Now, if only he'd do something about that stance. Ugh.

World Cup #24 - Who says we're out of the Super 8s?

There's still hope.

World Cup #23 - Who am I to discuss cricket?

I've never played. At any level.

I've watched countless matches. I've loved the game to death. I've read and written about it. I've spent hours in thought, pondering its nuances, marvelling at its complexity, delighting in its beauty.

I read old magazines and relive memories. I play inadequate videogames and curse them for the injustice done to our majestic sport. I've even punched non-believers in the face ( Shamefully, it's true. Ask Aravind Murali or Vishwanathan Srinivasan.)

But I haven't played.

So maybe I should shut up now. And leave the informed discussion to the pros.

Au revoir. No more cricket. Will stick to comics and stuff. Okay?

World Cup #22 - And now what?

Look.

I'm a fan of cricket. Not of cricketers. So, for me, the cup goes on. More to look forward to. More to stay awake for.

And India? Well, much sadness. And much hope.

Hope that we will build a young, fresh team who will delight us in the years to come. Hope that we can remember the Tendulkar-Ganguly-Kumble era without rancour, recalling the glory moments and forgiving the shameful ones.

This team is dead. Its champions must fade. In their place will come new ones. The game lives on.

Many fans will give up on Indian cricket. They will turn away from the game they love, hurt by the disappointments. No matter. Others will take their place. My son among them. They will cheer new heroes on new adventures. But the game remains the same.

Team India is dead. Long live team India.

World Cup #21 - Come on, India. Time for one last dance.

Dear Team India,

Why do we react so violently when you lose? Why do we plunge so low when you play badly? Why do we always expect you to win?

Because, deep down, we know you can.

Our expectations are built, bit by bit, from the innumerable feats of cricketing might and magic we have had the pleasure of seeing you perform. Every sweet Tendulkar drive. Every moment of Dravid's defiance. Every Ganguly dance-down-the-wicket six. Every Yuvraj pow-gasp-wow shot. Every time the bowlers dig deep and exceed expectations.

And since you've given us so many moments of sweetness, our expectations are really high. It's that simple, really. If you were always losing, then we wouldn't actually expect you to win, would we?

Yes. We know you can.

And we're reminding you.



So bring it on. The incandescent, mighty batting. (Bermuda was a start, but we both know there will be harder tests) The disciplined, strong, spirited bowling. (remember WC 2003?) The huddles, the high-fives, the smiles and whoops of delight. Dance the happy dance. Play the joyful game.

If you do, you'll start winning. And that would be very nice.

Sure, there are a host of other talented, skilled, and well-prepared teams that have come to win the World Cup. Sure, we may lose to some of them.

But make them earn it. By playing your very best cricket.

Sachin. Sourav. Rahul. Anil. This is it. This is the moment. Make it count. A World Cup Win would be nice. But, really, we only want to see you shine your brightest. And if there's a team on earth that's good enough to beat you when that happens, then they'll be bloody deserving winners.

Go on. Play ball. We're behind you.

World Cup#20 - Sachin Tendulkar and other crap comic ideas.

And now this.

Sachin Tendulkar is the most hyped cricketer off all time (before you kill me, I'm just stating fact. Notice : hyped. not overhyped. There's a difference.) His face peers out at us from advertisements, merchandise, endless reams of newsprint. We love him, and even tolerate the bad ads.

But this is not cool. That armour is a fashion disaster. And, God save us, a crackling, glowing, flaming cricket bat ? If I wanted extra cheese, I'd order pizza, thanks you very much.

This kind of thing is an insult to comics. And comics fans. And creators. This is a typically stupid, corporate 'let's cash in, quality be damned' idea. This will flop. The series will not complete the first run. If there is a comics God.

Here's a gem from the guys who're doing this :

According to Suresh Seetharaman, President, Virgin Comics and Virgin Animation, “Virgin has always worked with people who are prominent, and most importantly, who have set goals for themselves in life and achieved them too. Sachin Tendulkar is well recognised as an achiever globally, and it works best to have him as the hero for our comic, gaming and animation series.”

If there's any sense tucked away into that mind-numbingly inane statement, somebody please point it out to me. What are these guys thinking? ARE they thinking?

From the free comic downloads available from Virgin's web site, I find that all their titles are conceptually interesting and visually appealing, but are bogged down by immature (and sometimes plain bad) writing and editing, and a derivative, wannabe Marvel / DC feel. This one seems doomed at the concept level itself.

A cursory glance at comics history will show you that moronic get-rich-quick comics based on celebrities are always abominable products that are rarely recalled fondly, and usually don't sell well. Even the legendary Stan Lee made a mess of his ill-fated Backstreet Boys project. Remember Amitabh as Supremo ? Remember Gavaskar as Sunny ? Titles that are remembered today only for being putrid and grotesque. A similar fate surely awaits 'Master Blaster'. (Any chances that I could be wrong, and this could actually be good? Nah. Three words - flaming. cricket. bat. They're already too far down crap road.)

This is a crass cheapening of one of our few real-life heroes. I hope that true fans of Sachin Tendulkar will see it for what it is.

World Cup #19 - When is a world record not important?

Yay. We set a world record. Highest WC score. Biggest WC win.

Except, we've always been butchers of bad bowling. Except, Bermuda's batting is so inept, England and Sri Lanka had them for under a hundred, and even Zimbabwe knocked them over for less than what they got against us.

Sure, we did what we needed to. But our batting IS mighty, it really is. Against an attack like Bermuda, a huge total was always on the cards. And we should have blown them away for far less. The bowling looked patchy and unprofessional.

For me, only Yuvraj Singh and Sourav Ganguly seemed to promise a good show against the Lankans. Sehwag and Tendulkar need to find something more special than bullying the likes of Dwayne Leverock and his merrie men. They're great batsmen, and well may.

And the bowling needs to be far better if we're to take on Sri Lanka on Friday, and, hopefully, the other big boys in the Super 8 stage.

But for now, it's been a good comeback to stay alive. Make it count, boys.

World Cup #17 - The ICC World Cricket Lookalike Competition

Here are the final winners of the little known sideshow from the World Cup which hands out prizes to guys who look like other guys.

The Rameez Raja Lookalike Contest - Asad Rauf.

The Waqar Younis Lookalike Contest - Aleem Dar.

The Marcus Trescothick Lookalike Contest - Simon Hughes.

The Evander Holyfield Lookalike Contest - Dwayne Leverock, Anderson Cummins (tie).

The Alec Stewart Lookalike Contest - Paul Nixon.

The Vladimir Putin Lookalike Contest - Nasser Hussain.

The Darth Maul Lookalike Contest - Charu Sharma.

World Cup #16 - Goobye, Bob. Maybe God's team needs a good coach, y'know.

“What a stupid world.” Readers of The HINDU may have seen today's 'Calvin and Hobbes' end with those very words.

What a stupid world.

A man respected and loved for enriching our beloved game in so many ways will do so no more. We are poorer for it.

Bob Woolmer gave us Hansie Cronje's South African side of the 90s. They thrilled us with their near-impossible fielding skills, their fearsome efficiency (yes, it's a virtue that must be admired, let no one tell you differently), their ability to make winning seem matter of fact. They were so good, we quickly grew to hate them as much as we hate the Australians. Now that's something.

Bob brought science and method to the forefront of the game – and showed cricket teams how they could win on bad days. How they could excel even if slightly short on God given cricketing gifts. There is no team in the world today that has not been touched by his wisdom in some way. In numerous interviews and articles over the years, he impressed us with his thoughts and views on the game and how it should be played. Always thoughtful. Always interesting.

Make no mistake – Bob raised the bar. Just watch videos of matches from the years before his arrival, and you'll see that this is true. This alone guarantees him a place in the pantheon of cricket's most influential men ever.

Now he's gone. Just like that. In his worst cricketing hour. It's as if he decided that he'd had enough, and simply left. Without a thought for what we'd do without him.

There will be reams written about his contributions, his successes and failures, his methods and theories. I'd rather dwell on something else.

On the night of his death, there was the usual flurry of telephone calls, messages and e-mails between my own circle of cricket fans. And every single one of us agreed – this didn't feel like something that was happening far away, in the world of newsprint and TV. No, this felt like we had lost a friend, someone we had spent time with for years.

Why did he have to die like this? Why now? Wouldn't it have been easier if we could have read about his passing in a quiet corner of the paper, years after he had faded from public life?

In India and Pakistan, we claim to be passionate about cricket. Is it passion that drives us to believe that we're within our rights to destroy someone's property? Is it passion that motivates us to put so much pressure on somebody that they can die from the stress? Or is it madness and evil? Anger and stupidity? Ignorance and fear?

What a stupid, stupid world.

World Cup#15 - Burn me in effigy

This has been an exciting, thrilling world cup. A tie. Six sixes in an over. So-called minnows playing terrific, joyful cricket. Some great fielding. Sporting wickets.

So, we should be enjoying this right?

Oh, no. We'd much rather burn effigies, rant and rave like diseased baboons and ,quite illegally, seek retribution by destroying private property. Because our team played badly and lost a game. A game.

You know what? I didn't do my job well today. I missed a few deadlines, and made a few spelling mistakes. So go ahead, burn my effigy. Stone my house. Threaten my family. You have the right. No problem.

And when you screw up something, which you doubtless will at some point, I will do the same. I'll break your car's windscreen. I'll burn your family photograph. I'll call you names. I'll call your family names. I'll throw rocks at your house. And I'll be sure to bring Dhoni and Kaif with me. They'll be glad to join in.

This way, we can both win. Or lose. What's the difference?

World Cup #14 – Keeping Awake

Keeping awake is hard. Especially if you’re like me, and won’t risk the Red Bull type drinks. Some tips for dedicated cricket watchers to fight drowsiness, especially during dull periods of play.

1. Eat light. A heavy dinner is a sure-fire way to miss the second session.


2. Potter around. Walk around the house every now and then. Adjust a lamp. Wipe a surface. Open the fridge, peer into it and close it again.


3. Switch off the mosquito repellant. The little buggers will take care of keeping you awake, I promise.


4. Comics work for me. Exciting stuff like Lone Wolf and Cub, not more sedate stuff like American Splendour.


5. Do like Inispector does – mute the ads. You’ll be surprised.

World Cup #13 - Papayas and Bosey on TV.

Okay - I've now played my part in the official TV coverage surrounding WC 2007.

Headlines Today did a feature earlier tonight about World Cup blogs - and featured both Papayas are People, Too and Son of Bosey on it. I got to let off a few words and sound smug. Fun. People who saw it will now think I'm more famous than I really am.

The show was pretty kind to me - they featured the blogs pretty prominently, and said some nice things. And, importantly, they called me a 'Young Man'. I am indebted.

Also, the programme featured the online prediction game cricketology, which is great fun. Sign up and play. You'll see.

World Cup #12 – Bad Ad Watch

We have nominee number 2 – the ridiculous Apache ad with the faux wildlife documentary feel. This is a goodie. I can just hear the creative team making the pitch : “Let’s have lots of cars painted like zebras, being pursued by a guy on a bike in the middle of a vaguely African jungle. We can have a self-conscious narrator do a pretentious, lame voiceover so that it will look like a pathetic attempt at creating a wildlife documentary atmosphere. And we can end with a random babe and the biker giving each other hot looks. That’ll KILL ‘em.”

A great representation of all the characteristic features – stupidity, wastefulness, lameness – of classic Indian bike advertising. Well done, agency bizarros. You suck galactic.

World Cup #11 – The Dwayne Factor

Am I mistaken, or is this the first world cup to feature three players called Dwayne?