Thursday, March 31, 2016

Batman V Superman - Bharat Martha Ki Jai

I've always wondered at the bizarre coincidence that both Superman and Batman had mothers named Martha. In the DC Universe, if I was the President of the United States, the moment any woman named Martha had a baby, I'd immediately place the infant under CIA surveillance just in case the little bugger showed any signs of becoming a costumed crime fighter.

Zack Snyder's Superman V Batman : Dawn of Justice is the first story I've come across in the DC Universe that actually uses this crazy fact as a story element. And for that, mad props.

But here's HOW Snyder does it. 

Batman : I'll kill you with Kryptonite , you @@$#%#$%

Superman : Marthaaaa

Batman : WTF??? Why did you say Martha?

Superman : Marthaaaaa

Batman : Do you want me to repeat the question ?

Lois Lane : It's his mother's name

Batman : Oh. Even I. Friendship regained. I will save Martha, don't worry.

Superman : Ok.


Okay, I didn't like the movie. I enjoyed watching it - in the same way you can enjoy watching people repeatedly walking into a particularly well-polished glass door. You grin knowingly as you watch the disaster approach, and roar with laughter when they slam into the glass, look embarrassed, dust themselves off and walk away. Like that this movie is.

So there are two main reasons that the film fails : 

1. Batman is a complete idiot.

For someone who is the world's greatest detective, capable of hacking into LexCorp encryption and discover the existence of secret Metahumans, the Batman in Snyder's film shows an acute lack of basic common sense and functional intelligence.

For starters, what sort of moron goes into a fight against the world's most powerful being wearing a Kryptonite-laced armour that LEAVES HIS FUCKING MOUTH EXPOSED? Really, Batman? Superman is faster than a speeding bullet. In a fraction of a second, with his pinky, he could punch through batman's mouth, reach up into his skull and rip out his brain. The world's greatest detective couldn't figure that out? (To be fair, Snyder isn't responsible for this. Batman has displayed this particular idiocy in the comics forever. But you COULD fix it, you know?)

While on Batman's genius costume design skills - there are several points in the film where Ben Aflleck's mole can easily be seen even when he has the cowl on. Bruce Wayne, genius plus millionaire, can't design a cowl that covers his mole? Or pay for some cosmetic surgery and get his mole removed, for fuck's sake? Or has the world's greatest detective overlooked the fact that he has a mole on his cheek?

Also, why is Batman so pissed of with Superman in the first place? Wouldn't he do a simple background check to see what really happened and whether all that destruction was Superman's fault in all fairness? Wouldn't he give a fellow superhero a bit of the benefit of doubt before deciding to steal Kryptonite, design some ingenious traps and try to murder the guy? It's like the world's greatest detective (sigh) turned into the world's greatest immature teenager and went all you-broke-my-building-and-killed-my-people-so-I-will-get-you.

 If Gotham's safety is in the hands of this guy, I'd be seriously worried.

2. Superman is a complete idiot

Superman's greatest super power in the movie is forgetting that he has superpowers. Seriously.

When Lex Luthor tells Supes that he has an hour to kill Batman or his thugs will kill his mother in some secret hideout, Superman, if he had any brains at all, would : 

1. Spend thirty seconds using super-speed, X-ray vision, super-hearing and telescopic vision to locate the precise location of his mother.

2. Spend eight seconds taking out the goons.

3. Spend thirty seconds taking his mom to safety.

4. Spend five seconds ignoring Batman

5. Spend six seconds crushing Luthor's skull

6. Take the rest of the day off.

Instead, he decides to fly off and fight Batman, get Rekt by Kryptonite traps, brawl like a foolish schoolyard scrapper, nearly get killed, nearly kill Batman and then get saved by Lois Lane before using some TR style Amma sentiment to get Batman over to his side. Go figure.

There's lots more that's terrible - Lois Lane is an idiot. Luthor is an idiot. Jeremy Irons looks oddly like an old Robert Downey Jr. People at Wayne Enterprises are so loyal that they'll wait for their boss' instructions to evacuate the building - even though aliens are tearing the city apart a few feet away. 

But thet's besides the point. In a film that's titled Batman V Superman, my minimum expectation is that these two titular gents think and act like heroes, not clueless idiots who are world class ignorers of their own freaking special talents. 

I so wanted to like this movie. Now I think I'll go play some Arkham City to get my Batman back.