Friday, September 11, 2015

7 tips for the aspiring Prakash

By Anand Ramachandran. With equal parts credit to Vijay Sinha and C.B.Gupta.

Every day, many young students wake up with the dream of being a successful and productive Prakash. But unfortunately, most of them never realize this dream, and have to go through their entire lives as a mere Pradeep, Mathews or even Suresh-Balaji. 

However, this need not be the case. Even you can learn to become Prakash! Yes! By mastering these seven simple steps, you can break free of the shackles of being Kiran Kumar, Nitish, Saleem or whatever else your well-meaning but inept parents named you, and achieve the quality of life that only a true Prakash can experience.

Definitions of Prakash

First, let us examine some of the definitions of Prakash by various experts : 

"Prakash is one who is the very pinnacle of human creation. When compared to others like Sumant or Kabir, one finds that it is always Prakash who emerges in a favourable light." - J.T. Fingleton-Prabodh IV

"Prakash is the light and the darkness. Prakash is the beginning and the end. Prakash is everything and nothing. Prakash IS." - Swami Sirusemippananda Saraswathi-Saraswathy

"Prakash. What do you mean!"- Kishore Manohar

"WTF?" - Prakash Rao Kovelamudi

How to be Prakash

1. Dress the part

You cannot be Prakash without first dressing like one. The accepted dress for Prakash is either smart casuals or a full Bandhgala suit. Avoid wearing colourful clothes like those people in Malaysia and Sri Lanka or dressing like the Saudi royal family in ceremonial attire - these would mark you out as a non-Prakash instantly.

Also, if you are a Cosplayer, it is advised to restrict your Cosplay to some variety of Prakash only. Cosplaying as Kratos, Marcus Fenix or Arvind Kejriwal will result in immediate disqualification.

One of these men is obviously a Prakash, while the other is not. The right costume makes all the difference.

2. Watch K.Bhagyaraj's "Darling Darling Darling"

According to T.S.Shinde (1983) - "Every Prakash must, without fail, watch the all-time classic Darling Darling Darling by K.Bhagyaraj. If one does not have time for the whole movie, one must at least watch the scene where Bhagyaraj, cheered on by four girls, fights against some karate students wearing a yellow karate dress. After this, the heroine calls him a "Loosu". Most essential."

The film also features Kalapotti Singaram, in a cheetah print silk shirt and black bowtie, slapping a tied up mute man on a motorcycle, while a horse looks on. Here.
3. Own a parasol

Then it can be called Prakash's Parasol. Or Parasol of Prakash.

4. Be Roll Number 31

This is critical. An error of plus or minus one is sometimes allowed, but any greater you will face problems. If you only manage a roll number 28 or 29 then you risk slipping into being a Pradeep or Prabhas. Any higher than 33 and you risk becoming a Prasad, Prasanna, or worst of all, Praveen.

5. Be born in the 80s

Your best chance to be Prakash successfully is to have been born in the eighties or earlier. If you happened to be born in the nineties or after 2000 you are better off as a Vihaan, Aayushman, Aarav or some other name with an unnecessary extra A.

6. Be a man

Women need not apply. Unless you're so badass that you gave birth to Sunny Fucking Deol. And even then you may only qualify as the variant "Parkash".

7. Avoid Roger

Avoid him at all costs. In the words of Slattery - "Prakash always keeps a safe distance from Roger. It is most important".

It is hoped that these simple tips will help anyone achieve their dreams of being Prakash.   All you need is desire, discipline and determination ( 3D. Which is an abbreviation that is also useful in describing Darling Darling Darling). All the best.

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