This article first appeared on mylaw.net
Every time a world cup comes around, the business of predicting the eventual champions keeps aficionados busy for several weeks. Other than cricket itself (which is always the winner in the end, if Shri.R.Shastri is to be believed), it’s next to impossible to predict the winner of a tournament of this nature. But, never being ones to shy away from a challenge, we shall take the plunge and try, trough the process of cold, hard analysis, dispassionately judge each team’s chances at glorious victory and spectacular failure.
INDIA
Why they will win
Everyone knows that India is the strongest team on paper, right? (Let’s disregard the many times in the past when we’ve bungled despite being the strongest team on paper, and also the fact that the one time we did win the cup, we weren’t.) So we’re a cinch to win.
Also, if you go by the Indian media’s build up, India is the ONLY team playing the tournament. So our victory is a foregone conclusion.
Why they won’t
Thanks to the basic cynicism of the Indian cricket sceptic – who firmly believes that the current Indian side will falter, thanks to the weaknesses and mental fragility shown by Mohammed Azharuddin’s team from the 90s. This is like expecting Roger Federer to lose against Rafael Nadal because Stefan Edberg had a weak serve, but try telling that to the Indian fan.
AUSTRALIA
Why they will win
In a similar vein to the previous point, everybody thinks this Australian side will win the world cup because Steve Waugh’s team was impossible to beat. Also, Australians will remind you that they’re ranked No.1 – which means they’re the best side. Australians always believe that any team ranked No.1 must be the best side, except when India is ranked No.1 in tests, in which case the ranking is meaningless, and Australia or South Africa is the best side.
Why they won’t
Because their best spinner is Jason Krejza.
PAKISTAN
Why they will win
Because they’re a bunch of talented, batshit loonies you wouldn’t dare bet against. And they’re led by Shahid Afridi, the craziest cricket renegade this side of Chris Gayle. This team is the Marat Safin of international cricket.
Why they won’t
Like we said, Pakistan is the Marat Safin of international cricket.
ENGLAND
Why they will win
They won’t.
Why they won’t.
See above.
SOUTH AFRICA
Why they will win
They’ve got a great batting line-up (Kallis, Amla, DeVilliers), a formidable bowling attack (Steyn, Morkel), and are a superb fielding unit. Plus, there’s no Hansie Cronje around to ensure that all this doesn’t count.
Why they won’t
Rhymes with joke. Or poke. Or artichoke.
SRI LANKA
Why they will win
Sri Lanka has the home advantage, they’ve got a team that comprises Sangakkara, Jayawardene, Dilshan, Muralitharan, Mendis, Mathews and Malinga, and that crazy little guy who waves their flag in the stands so hard, even Ishant Sharma can get reverse swing.
Why they won’t
Because the portzlefoobie won’t suit the griddilinx in time for the flutibis. That’s the best reason we could think of.
NEW ZEALAND
Why they will win
Because the law of averages says that, after 1983, it’s the turn of another fairly useless team with a great captain to win the cup. Nobody fits that description better than New Zealand.
Why they won’t
Because the law of averages says that it’s time for the law of averages to fail.
BANGLADESH
Why they will win
Who doesn’t love a talented host side, who nobody takes seriously, to charge to a fairytale win? This could be Sri Lanka in 96 all over again. With players like Tamim Iqbal, Shakib Al Hasan and Abdur Razzak, the Bangla Tigers have their best shot at glory this year. Plus, their best spinner isn’t Jason Krejza.
Why they won’t
The human chain formed to protest the omission of Mashrafe Mortaza may prevent the team bus from reaching the ground, causing them to forfeit the matches.
WEST INDIES
Why they will win
Chris Gayle is one bad mutha.
Why they won’t
Chris Gayle is their only bad mutha. Also, while in the past they’ve been led by guys with badass names like Frank Worrell, Clive Lloyd and Vivian Richards, their skipper this time is Darren Sammy – whose name sounds less like a Caribbean captain and more like Dora The Explorer’s less-macho sidekick.
ZIMBABWE AND KENYA
Why they will win
See 'England'.
Why they won't
See above.
CANADA, IRELAND AND THE NETHERLANDS
Why they will win
Because between them, these three countries command the powers of maple syrup, whisky and legal Marijuana. Nothing can be more awesome than that – except Chris Gayle.
Why they won’t
Due to the distractions provided by maple syrup, whisky and legal marijuana, they may forget to attend net practice, and possibly the games themselves.
